Choosing Mediation Together
The decision to proceed with divorce does not come easy for anyone. And it is often the case that one party is more motivated or convinced of the decision to end the marriage than the other. Much of the time, my clients are the more hesitant or resistant party. But in either case, when marriage counseling and other remediation strategies have run their course or one party is just convinced that divorce is the only way forward, choosing to mediate rather than litigate in court is the best way through a difficult process where no one wins. Because, if the marriage is lost, no one party has won.
Again, mediation is not for deciding whether or not to get divorced, it is for reaching an agreement on the details of how to separate and finalize your divorce. Dissolving a marriage is never easy work, but it doesn’t have to be so hard or bring out the very worst in you and your spouse. Mediation is typically held with you and your spouse in different rooms, unless you both agree to be in the same room together.
Consider these reasons to seek a peaceful resolution through mediation:
I would like to at least end my marriage in a way that honors what good I once experienced in the marriage and in my spouse. I can still acknowledge that at some point in time, there was some part of my spouse that brought me to marry them in the first place and that part of them is still beneath the surface of whatever has evolved or events have transpired since.
I would like to control this process the best I can on my own timetable, outside of the confrontation of a Courtroom, and often for less cost than traditional litigation.
I would like to avoid the high cost of a contentious divorce.
Perhaps most importantly, I would like to find a way to resolve this in a way that grants the best possible outcome for my children.
These are all talking points you can use when presenting the option of mediation to your spouse.
Now, consider the time and place to talk through options for moving forward:
Schedule in advance so your spouse can prepare themselves mentally for the difficult conversation.
Discuss in a location that is public, but where you can still have a private conversation.
Meet in the morning hours when you’re both thinking most clearly.
Be patient. Be prepared that it may take several conversations to get on the same page about how to move forward and whether to move forward. This is a tremendous decision and it’s appropriate to take your time and give your spouse the time they need to fully process and for you both to find some middle-ground.
If your spouse isn’t on the same page about divorce:
If your spouse is not yet convinced or willing to proceed with a divorce, then it is going to be difficult to get them on board with mediation. In this case, revisit whether there is still anything you can do to prevent divorce. It can be difficult to heal a marriage but it is certainly possible. And, if nothing else, taking these steps will if nothing else, give you and your spouse the closure that you did what you could to preserve the marriage. And again, as stated above, be patient. This is a significant and difficult life change. If your spouse isn’t on board, give them time.
Know your options:
You can hire me as a mediator without your own individual attorneys if you and your spouse are in agreement about exploring mediation. You will need to contact me together, by email (copying your spouse’s email address) or by scheduling a call with me for a time when you can both attend. I always communicate with the parties in a mediation jointly before and after the mediation session.
You can hire your own attorneys and ask them to select me as your mediator once the case has been filed with the Court and you agree in consultation with your attorneys that mediation is the best step forward. In some circumstances, it can be helpful to have your own attorneys to help guide you through the process and to look out for your interests in addition to a mediator.
You can always give mediation a try and resort to litigation if mediation doesn’t result in an agreement you can both live with.
Last, mediation is not going to be the answer if either spouse is the victim of domestic violence. If you have more questions about this, please contact me individually.
This blog does not constitute legal advice nor does it establish an attorney client relationship. This is for general information purposes as in most legal situations the facts and terms of an agreement between the parties can affect the results.